Pandora's Box
by nesia2003
Summary: This is the first ever rated-R story of Harry Potter and his friends. Read this comical story about the club Pandora's Box, Hermione the slut, Ron the obsessed, Harry the teller like it is, Draco the pimp, Crabbe the pig, Snape the queer, and his lover G


Chapter 1  
  
Everything changed now Hermione has changed her name to Hoemione, Mony Mrytle changed her name to Mony's in the bed and Draco formally know as Dracooo, has changed his name to Lil' Drac. He's also the pimp around the school. Our school has changed its name after me Harry Potter, to "Goodie 2 Shoes." Hoemione has also started her own business one of the secret rooms in the school, Pandora's Box. I've been once, well I'm not gonna lie. I've there about three times. Well, anyway she plays this weird music is goes like this, "I feel ill at ease, but what I see this girl is Hoemione, Hoemione, Hoemione. This girl is so easy. She always pleases me. Just go to room 23." You can ask Drac. He knows more about it than me. Oh and I dated Hermione for awhile. It's hard enough to keep Hoemione constantly tame! Oh and Ron is still running after her. It's no use! She's just a hoe, h-o-e, HOE! I wish Ron could see that. Hoemione finally straightened her hair too. Hallelujah! That ish was nappy! Her doorbell to the room sounds funny too. {Hoe, Hoe, Hoe!} (Harry calls Hoemione on his cell phone.) Bring, Bring, Bring! "Sorry, I'm not here, so leave the place and time and I'll be there. We will do it! I'm your girl bye! 'Damn! She wasn't home.'  
  
SPECIAL UPDATE! (Music plays in the background) Ronald Weasley's mum just got out of the hospital. Her injuries are due to a Chinese woman named "Chuan-Woo." Here she is now in the local courthouse in London, England. "Excuse me, but do you mind if we interview you about your trial or any comments on last week's event?" "Chink chug chug chi ow oro suckch." (Subtitles please) "I'll trip her ass again if I have too. Her rushing ass! I had too. It wouldn't have happened if she weren't so anxious to get to the damn counter! Oh and Percy let me say it loud and clear in your ear. I'll give you suki suki for five dolla!" "Please get this lady away form me! No wonder she ended up in the slammer!" This is Percy Weasley, Hogwart's Prefect. Not the "Weasel!" So stop laughing! "Percy!" Um.And this is HWAT! Ahhhh! Mummy! I meant somebody please get this crazy ass woman away from me! (Percy running around in circles while Chuan-Woo follows.) "Suki! Suki!"  
  
(The next day)  
  
"Hi Hoemione!" said her hoeish friends (But they're not the hoes they're the preps.) "What's up!" said Mione. "What in the world are you wearing?" "Yeah, you look like straight up hoe!" "Oh, I know. This is my stripper wear! Isn't it cute!" said Hoemione happily. "Hell no!" said Destiny looking disgusted. "Yeah, Hoemione you need to put some clothes on!" said Kioni agreeing with Destiny. ' I wish that she would stop saying Yeah!' "You're just haters! Just because you don't have my looks or my club, you have to envy me. Well guess what? I don't need you and your goodie girl ways. I am who the F I am! So, I'm gonna bounce! Bye chicks!" said Hoemione as she left her so called "Friends" with their jaws to the floor. "Damn, did she just diss us?" "Yeah, she did." "Damn, would you stop saying Yeah!" "Yeah, I see what you mean!" "Shut up! Besides, I do have the looks. I'm the one who straightened her nappy ass hair! This is war!" "Hell yeah!" "It's no use." Said Destiny shaking her head, because Kioni would not stop saying yeah. "Um, yeah what did I do?  
  
(Meanwhile)  
  
Pimp, pimp, hurray! "Yeah, that's right!" said Drac as he held up his pimp goblet in the Slytherin common room with Crabbe and Goyle. (The Slytherin clique) "Hey, Drac who's the lucky girl tonight at the box?" "Shit me! But I thin k it might be one of those Gryffindor girls. "You know what? We'll slither under they're door and end up in they're panty drawer." Said Crabbe while smiling. "But what about the dudes at the." "No, Goyle we don't do-dudes, we do-girls!" said Drac cutting him off. "Oh yeah!" 'Gay ass!' "Well anyway, where's your girl Pansy?" "Oh she's probably with Trista." "That ditsy bitch!" "I know, she's brings down my pimp game, because she's one of my pimpettes." Said Drac. "Why are you guys talking about me?" asked the blonde hared girl. "Um.nothing! Just talking about plans for the box." "No he wasn't, he was talking ab-" Drac grabbed Goyle by the mouth. "If you don't shut up! I'll beat the rolls off your fat ass!" said Drac while whispering. "Hey, did somebody say rolls!" said Crabbe happily. "Sorry." "That's what I thought." Said Drac while raising his eyebrow. 'Damn he's mean.' "Well, if you weren't talking about me, then what are you guys talking about?" "Bitch, your just nosy!" "I am not? I heard my name so I asked. Is there a problem?" "No, but where's Pansy?" "Oh she had to go to potions class. She had to make something up for Snape's old ass." Said Trista while rolling her eyes at the thought of Snape. Soon Trista left leaving the room with just the clique. "Drac, I'm hungry." Said Crabbe. "Man, that's nothing new. Your ass just got done eating a cake, what more could you want?" "The refrigerator." Said Crabbe. "I guess we'll have to make a trip to the Great Hall." Said Drac while shaking his head. 'Why did God give me two fat asses for dogs?' "I love sugar cookies." "Oh shut up!"  
  
"Ron get up we got to the Great Hall." "Alright, I'll get up." Said Ron. "So, how was your rest?" asked Harry. "Hoemioniful!" "Oh shit, not again." Said Harry. "Well anyway, I had a dream that we went to the Great Hall and kissed and kissed." "Shut up Ron! With your wheezy ass." Said Ron his dream was irritating Harry. "Let's go then." Said Ron hopping up from the bed. They walked to the Great Hall and passed Hoemione as she winked while passing out flyers. (Ron lost his mind.) "So Ron, have you heard from your mum?" asked Harry worried for his friend. "No, but some Chinese woman from the local jail keeps calling my cell." "Bring!" (Ron's cell goes off.) "Will you take a collect call from the London jail?" asked the operator. "Sure." Said Ron thinking nothing of it until. "Chung ching Chung Bowie Bowie." (Subtitles) "I'll get you and your mum bitch!" "CLICK!" "Well, I don't know who that was, it must have been someone playing on the phone." Said Ron lying. He was scared that the mysterious woman would call again. 'Damn, how did she get this number.' 'Ron is lying, I know it. Who on Earth plays prank calls on cell phones? Just the thought of that gives me Willys. Sick people." The Slytherin clique walks towards them. Drac always makes his appearance with class. He thinks he's Ja Rule. Crabbe yells out, "Its Draco!" for example, when Ja Rule says its murder! But the worst thing about it is that food fell out of his mouth when he said it. Yuck! "Shut up, you fat bitch. Damn, your fucking up my name!" So, Ron and Harry walked towards them and the whole clique stares. "Are you looking for something?" asked Drac and when he said it, his cheek wiggled. "What?" said Ron but was hushed by Harry. "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with your cheek? That shit wiggles!" said Harry curiously. "Let's go bitches. We still need to represent!" said Drac. "Yeah, you go do that! Wiggle, wiggle!" said Harry while smiling in their direction. "Shut up!" said Drac as he walked off with Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum. "Well, at least my cheek doesn't wiggle!" said Harry with a good come back. "Dude, that's some weird shit." Said Ron. "I know." Said Harry while touching his cheek to make it wiggle.  
  
Professor what happened to your leg dog, I meant teach?" asked Pansy. "Oh nothing, just a little scratch." " A scratch! Shit me!" "What did you say?" "Nothing." "I'm going in my office now. So, finish your potion sheet work, then put it on my desk." 'The dogs in the chamber already know you're a phony.' As he walked away, he limped.  
  
"Oh Harry!" said a familiar voice. "Woe! How did you get in the boys bathroom?" asked Harry while looking down into the toilet bowl at Moaning Myrtle. "Don't worry about that Harry." She said as she outstretched her arms and grabbed him. She planted a big wet kiss directly on his virgin lips. Soon, she disappeared into the bowl with an annoying high- pitched laugh. Harry zips up his pants and washes his hands. "Ron hurry up!" said Harry impatiently. "One moment, damn!" said Ron in another stall of the restroom that Moaning abused. The sounds of a dump truck invaded the atmosphere of the room and definitely the smell made someone want to hold their breath or vomit. "Damn boy!" says Harry while holding his nose trying to find a vacant place of air. "Sorry, but I had to shit!" said Ron with a relieved expression on his face. "What the fuck are you smiling about? That shit smells!" said Harry getting angry by the moment. Ron washes his hands and then they made they're way through the smelly bathroom. "Hey, let's go get Snape! I bet he would love to smell this!" said Harry while laughing at the thought of Snape's appalled expression. "Okay mate." Said Ron happily. "Would you please quit with the CRAPPY Crocodile Hunter impressions?" said Harry. "Okay mate."  
  
Snape was convinced to come and use the bathroom, but by that time, the room didn't smell like pure sugar honey iced tea! (Shit.) (Snape humming to himself.) I got to shit! I got to shit! I got to shit! Hey! Hey! Hey! While Snape was taking a dump, an announcement comes over the intercom. (He's not listening anyway) "We have an urgent message please go to your common rooms immediately! A student in the office blurts out, "Shut the fuck up!" and then throws a book at the announcer's head. "BIM!" Then, another woman comes on and takes her place. "Excuse me? Sorry for the interruptions, but everyone needs to go to their rooms. The dogs in one of the chambers are out. If you don't, I hope the dogs eat your punk asses." Said the woman with a scratchy voice. Meanwhile in the boy's restroom, Snape remains in one of the stalls. "Roar!" "Is someone there?" "Roar!" "That's a really big eye you got there!" Snape sits down and then something licks his ass. (He jumped up and wiggled his ass like he had a big tweet.) It's Moaning Myrtle. "Are you looking for something?" asked Moaning. "No, but get back here!" Moaning disappears in an instance. "What? I don't get it?" said Snape looking around foolishly. Then he turns around and finds something lurking behind him.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Bim! Bim! Boom!" I guess you know what happened to poor, poor, Mr. Snape. (He got his ass whipped by the dogs.) "Roof, roof!" howled one of the dogs happily. "Oh, bloody hell." Said Snape with his leg in one of the dog's mouth. (Again.)  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Tonight is the biggest party of the box. To get in the box, you either have to drink a mystical potion or sniff some type you magic powder. When I walked in Hoemione had the place hooked up. "Hey Goyle, what's your special tonight?" says Moine. "Um, give me someone who I don't know, just send me somewhere." "Go to the right!" said Moine with a grin on her face. Goyle walked away to one of the rooms. "If there's hoes in this house, if you see them point them out!" said Drac now entering the scene. "I'm ready to get laid! Where are the Gryffindor girls?" Then Trista walks in saying, "Who wants to get laid?" Everyone walked away cause she was just a ditsy bitch. "You guys!" she mumbled with a sigh. Hoemione got on the stage and started stripping while singing, "My love is like woe!" Meanwhile, Drac was in the next room with a bunch of girls. "Crabbe go get some Crystal for me and my ladies?" asked Drac while the girls just softly cooed at his remark. "Okay." Said Crabbe. "That fat bitch won't be back until later." Said Drac while he started to rap. "You can find me and Mione, going to the box to smoke some weed. I don't have a job, but I'm filthy. Filthy with a rich, I'll freak your bitch!" sung Drac. "Wow! I never experienced anything like this before. Oh man, what's wrong with your leg! You seem to remind me of someone?" "This is Professor Snape." Said the mysterious figure in the dark. "What! You're a man!" shouted a surprised Goyle. Goyle ran out the room and out of the club screaming. "What's wrong with that fat ass?" said Drac a little worried. "Oh well, just keep loving me." Said Drac talking to the girls in the room. "The party is over!" said Hoemione. "No!" yelled the crowd. Before she could reply, the telephone rung. "Hello, will you except a call please for Ronald Weasley?" asked the operator. "Ron!" she yelled. Ron took the phone from her and looked as if he knew who it was. "Hello?" "Thoing thong!" (Subtitles) "I'm gonna get you!" said that same Chinese woman that keeps calling his cell. "No!" Ron yelled like a lunatic.  
  
"I have something to tell you?" said Goyle. "What? I have things to do." Said Drac impatiently. "I think I slept with a guy." "What! You're kidding right?" asked Drac surprised. "Nope." "You nasty fat bastard! Who was it?" "It was Professor Snape. I accidentally went into the wrong room or section." Said Goyle while looking guilty. "You nasty bitch! We can't let this shit get out! You'll mess up our whole Code of Pimp!" said Drac. "But Drac, we don't have a Code of Pimp?" said Goyle. "We do now." Said Drac with a little annoying smirk on his face.  
  
"Boil and Toil and Goyle, I meant coil." Chanted Snape while showing the 3rd years how to do a certain potion. "Alright class, I'm going to choose someone to come up and to try the chant." Anxiously, Hoemione raises her hand. "I'm not going to choose you Hoemione. I choose." Snape walked towards Goyle and taps him on the shoulder. "Why don't you try, Goyly." Said the Professor grinning. (That was unlike him.) "Okay, gross heifer!" mumbled Goyle under his breath. "Boil and Toil." And then Hoemione blurts out, "And Goyle coiled up Professor Snape's ass!" The class oowed with amazement and Goyle ran out of the room. Drac got up and put on his fur coat and grabbed his pimp cane excuse me mates." Said Drac while the class was being dismissed. Everyone got up. "Hoemione come here!" said Snape. "Yes Professor?" "That was uncalled for. You have detention starting tomorrow. Oh and that never happened but," "But nothing!" said Snape cutting her off. "Goodbye." Said Hoemione while she turned to leave the room. (Professor Snape said to himself) 'Goyly got damn, he's foxy, freaky nasty, and SEXY. Oh yes!  
  
'Today has been a crazy day. Goyle has a secret! I wondered why he left the box screaming, until he told me about his experience with men. Doesn't Professor Snape have a messed up leg? How did that happen? I don't know, but Hoemione must have sent Goyle to the dark side of the club. I'll get that bitch, if it's the last thing I'll do!' said Drac in his head. Suddenly, Harry walks through the courtyard gates looking in his direction. "Say Drac, what's this thing you're writing in? Is it a diary?" asked Harry trying to keep a straight face. "Prep, this is not a diary, it's a pimp journal." Said Drac with dignity. 'Yeah, whatever. It's really a diary. Look at the smiley faces on it.' (Harry thought to himself) "Well, I guess you can call it whatever you want. But if someone finds out that you write in a PERSONAL book, people are gonna know that you're just a soft bitch like your friend Goyly!" said Harry about to die. He couldn't keep his straight face any longer. "Harry, you know that you're my dog? Right?" said Drac trying to suck up to Harry while Drac wiggled his cheek again. "Man, you're not fooling me, but why does your cheek do that?" asked Harry. "I don't know! It happened ever since that man grabbed me in that crazy store." "Oh, Diagonally? Well I'll see you later Draco!" Said Harry turning to leave the courtyard. "Please don't sing my name." Drac yells. Harry mumbled back, "You soft bitch!"  
  
"Yes you called for me?" said Mione. "Of course I did. Now tell me about your business?" "Um I don't know what you're talking about?" "Yes you do I'm looking for a man to massage my back. I've been having some stress on my back and feet." 'Damn, I feel sorry for that man.' "Oh okay, I'll set you up for something." Said Hoemione uneasy about what she just did. "Thanks, that's all I wanted from you." "Well cheerio!" said Hoemione relieved that the principle didn't ask about the class outburst.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"I'm here, where's my little Dracco!" said Mr. Malfoy singing his son's name. The intercom came on while Drac was laying down some pimp game on one of the girls. "Draco Malfoy your father is here in the office. Please come to the office immediately." Said the woman who was on the intercom previously. A book came from out of nowhere and hit her on the head. "Bim!" "I thought your name was Lil' Drac?" asked the woman getting to her feet after being hit with a book a second time. Someone in the back marked another tic mark on the board. (Just one more time and she'll have a concussion.) "Yeah, I thought your name was Lil' Drac too." Said one of the Gryffindor girls curiously. "Um, don't worry about that." Said Drac trying not to give out too much information. "Hi, is that you?" asked Mr. Malfoy. Drac walks in and his father is standing with his mouth dropped to the floor. "Son, what's going on with your clothes? My God, this school is getting krupt." "So, dad how long are you staying?" "Um, I don't know son, probably a day or two." "Great." mumbled Draco under his breath. "Well, show me to the Slytherin tower. I need to lie down. Okay?" said Mr. Malfoy while yawning. "Follow me." "Hey there Crabbe." Says Mr. Malfoy while Crabbe stuffs his face in the Great Hall. "Hey Draco, what's Goyle been up too? Are you guys still friends?" "Yes dad, but he's a little twisted. You know what, let's just go father." Draco hurried his father towards the tower when suddenly. "Oh we have a visitor." Said a sugary voice. "Is that Hermione?" asked Mr. Malfoy. "No, it's Hoemione." "Oh sorry, HOEMIONE. I didn't know that you had changed your name." "Don't even sweat It." Said Hoemione while looking at Draco. 'Why is that bitchy hoe looking at me. Doesn't she know that I want to fight her!' "Well, dad unfortunately we need to get to music class." "Bye son, I meant Draco, oh Lil' Drac." "Bye." Said Drac while rolling his eyes.  
  
"Good morning! We are going to put everyone into groups, but some people will be by themselves. Okay?" said Professor Star happily. "Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle you'll start the song off. And." An announcement to Ron was about to be read aloud. "Thong, (Subtitles) your mum." Ron cuts her off, "I'm sorry, but I don't even want the message." Said Ron politely. He knew who it was. "Well, everyone line up. Hurry, hurry, hustle, hustle." Then Drac replies, "Yeah, that's what us player niggers do best. Hustle. Hustle." Afterwards the class of 3rd years begins to sing. Harry- I wish this bitch would leave me alone. It's not that she just a ghost and all. If I could kill her one more time, then I wouldn't have to sing this song. (Even though Moaning is dead, she still participates.) Moaning- I like this boy what should I do? Maybe lick ass, he'll jump and I'll be waiting to screw. Harry- I wish life wouldn't be this way. Moaning- At least you're not so got damn gay. Harry- this shit can't happen. Moaning- it can happen at the stall tonight! Draco- I'm getting pussy no matter what. Crabbe- Even if it's with a hungry slut. Goyle- A gay guy is what I want the most. (Then Professor Snape walks into the classroom.) Snape- I just jerked off in Crabbe's French toast. Moaning Myrtle- So what, if we share the same toilet. Tonight I'm gonna lick somebody's dick. Hoemione- In a few hours, I'll be Hoe of the year. Snape- I've been a straight man, until Goyle came here. Ron- I'm taking Hoemione to the box, but she doesn't know why. (Mr. Malfoy comes into the classroom.) Mr. Malfoy- I'm only in this song, because I'm a swell guy. Hey I have to get out of here! (Ginny Weasley had to run an errand for another Professor.) Ginny Weasley- I have no money, someone please come help me. (Chuan-Woo in the jail cell) Chuan- Woo- Look at me! I'm in the slammer, give me a key! Harry- I don't know what she said, but her toilet stinks. Moaning- Here I go, I'm gonna watch Harry when he winks. Ron- My moms in the hospital. (Do, do, do, do, and do.) Goyle- and I'm a gay boy! Draco- I'm the pimp of the school. Everyone- Awwww! It's gonna happen, gonna happen etc. At the Great.Hall. Tonight! "Good, students and thank you to all the guest appearances." Said Professor Star happily. "Well, thank you." Said everyone else who was a guest. (The students still had their arms in the air though.)  
  
SPECIAL UPDATE! Ronald, Ginny, and Percy Weasley, That's me. Mum has left the hospital. Another accident has occurred though. At a local grocery store, Mrs. Weasley was shopping, when someone tripped her. For some odd reason, her recent attacker was not there at the scene. Here is Mr. and Mrs. Weasley together. "What exactly happened in the store that day." "Percy, you don't have to act like this all the time you know?" said Mr. Weasley. "Dad, this is my job. Besides, I'm already snooty." said Percy. "Well, anyway how about that answer to the question I just asked?" said Percy trying to get back on track. "No comment!" said Mrs. Weasley already frustrated with Percy's ignorance. "Well, this is Percy Weasley not Weasel or Snooty, oh that wasn't suppose to come out, or even dirt poor. So, keep the comments to yourselves. This HWAT and goodnight." Said Percy rapping it up.  
  
"Dad I'm going out okay? So don't call me okay?" "Alright son." Said Mr. Malfoy. "Knock, knock." "Who is it?" says Mr. Malfoy. "Hoemione, Hi Mr. Malfoy, how's life been treating you?" asked Hoemione in a thoughtful little way. "Life has been pretty damn good, but one question. Why did you change your name to Hoemione from Hermione? Hermione is such a pretty name?" 'Suck up!' "Well, I'll answer that in awhile, but first you need to do something for me." Said Hoemione. "What exactly is it, my dear?" asked Mr. Malfoy now getting interested. "I need you to rub the Headmistress' back for me. She wants a nice strong and handsome man to do it for her. Her back is killing her, so she'll need some strong hands." Said Hoemione as she winked in his direction. "Oh, I see what you mean. Tell her I'll be there, after the corridors are dark and silent." Said Mr. Malfoy in a conning voice. (More like a sweet talk, and you wonder where his son gets it from.) "Now, how about that answer to my question." "Oh, I'm a HOE! What did you expect? That's why I changed my name. Also, it goes with the club." "What club?" "Oh nothing." "Well anyway, another question before you leave. Why has my son changed so much? I mean damn! He looks like a little hoodlum. I did not raise him to be a pimp. I raised him to be a hustler!" said Mr. Malfoy shockingly. Hoemione couldn't say anything except, "Well, why don't you ask him. You'll know the truth then." Said Hoemione reassuringly. "Okay." "Well, I best be on my way." Said Hoemione as she left the common room and headed for the courtyard. 'Damn, that kid! Who told him to follow in his mother's footsteps? No wonder she always came home with some Crystal.'  
  
Meanwhile at the courtyard, Draco and his fat ass friends enjoy their evening Tping the Whomping Willow. "Drac, we're gonna get in trouble!" said Crabbe with food in his mouth. "Hell yeah, besides I have an important date with someone special." Said Goyle smiling stupidly. "Oh NO! Don't tell me that you're actually a dick sucker?" said Draco loud enough for the whole school to hear. "Drac, keep it down. You don't want to get his secret out?" said Crabbe. "Well, um, teacher and student relationships aren't like that. Even if we do go on dates, we still have to get permission from the office." "Oh, so that's why you're always going to STUDY HALL." Said Crabbe. "Yeah, more like SUCKING HALL!" said Drac while laughing with Crabbe. "Man, shut up!" "Who are you telling to shut up?" asked Drac getting in his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get in your face honest!" said Goyle with fear. "You wimp, I'm only playing. As long as you don't turn on me, everything will be fine. And I don't mean that in a good way." Said Drac reassuringly. Just then, Hoemione showed up. "What's up guys, are you coming to the box tonight?" 'Look at the bitch, doesn't even know what's coming.' "Oh, hell yeah. I heard that Destiny was going to be there." "Whatever. That bitch! She and I are not friends anymore, because of her jealousy." "I see why." Said Crabbe looking at Hoemione pervertedly. "Anyway, I just got done talking with your father Drac. He's still cool. He wanted to know why you've changed so much though." Said Hoemione telling everyone about the conversation. "Bitch! I have had it with you! I can't hold it any longer! You set Goyle up didn't you? You're not fooling anyone either. You got him thinking he's GAY, WHEN HE'S NOT!" "How do you know, he probably is." Said Hoemione with a sly voice. "Bitch! You sent him to the wrong room at the box!" said Drac getting pissed. "And what if I did, he's gay now and there's nothing you can do about it. What's done is done." "I should bop you on the head, but I don't hit girls, I freak them." Said Drac trying to be funny. "Bim!" "That's what you get for trying Hoemione a hoe in the making!" "Damn girl! You knocked him out cold!" "All he did was talk shit! Well, I got one down and one to go! Destiny is gonna get a taste of this fist in her mouth tonight." And with that said, Hoemione walked through the courtyard gates leaving Draco in a "I feel stupid." State. "I'll hate to see what he'll say when he wakes up." Said Goyle. Crabbe grabbed one arm and Goyle grabbed the other and the both hauled Draco to the Slytherin Tower. "Damn, she's got the looks, the brains, and the fists! My kind of chicken!" "There you go again, always talking about food." "But what about your date with Snape?" "Don't worry about Snap, I'll see him tonight." Said Goyle with a smile. (Snape's new nickname is "Snap" a more gay Snape name.)  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Hey girl!" said Ron. "Ron, I'm trying to study, so cut the chase." Hoemione was getting irritated. " Well, I just wanted to know if you would, I mean, like to have lunch with me?" asked Ron nervously. "Sure Ron." Said Mione. "I mean, whenever I try to ask you out, wait a minute; Did you say yes?" asked Ron surprised. "Of course Ron. Okay, it's a date." Said Hoemione cheerfully. "Yes!" said Ron with a victory dance.  
  
The Date  
  
"So how's the chips and burger?" asked Ron. "Just fine, so Ron are you a virgin?" asked Hoemione randomly. "Uh um, yes I guess I." "So what have you been doing at the box the whole time?" "Watching you my dear and I think you and I should date. You know boyfriend, girlfriend. You plus me equals love!" said Ron in a very corny way. "Hoemione, I'm in love!" "How about you go see a psychologist. Okay? Ron I got to go to the box. You know so I can set up. See you there, I guess." Said Hoemione as she left.  
  
"Hurry we got to get him in before his dad sees him. Come on fat ass, stop eating and put him in his bed." Whispered Goyle. "Draco is that you?" yelled Mr. Malfoy. "Oh yes!" Crabbe yelled back with food falling out of his mouth. "What's in your mouth?" asked Mr. Malfoy. "See what I mean? Stop eating! Damn your fat ass!" said Goyle. "Shut up! You're a fat ass too with your clump looking self." "Just get him in the bed." Drac awakens with a huge bump on his forehead. "What happened?" asked Drac while looking around." "Um, Hoemione knocked the shit out of you dog!" said Crabbe. "Oh shut up." Said Drac now coming out of his dizzy state. "Goyle what's wrong with your shirt? It's pink and tied up in the back!" "Draco's father walks in. "Huh, son do you, Oh my God!" yelled Mr. Malfoy. "Dad, it's just my head." "No, son what's wrong with Goyle! I think it's about time for your parents to come and visit." Said Mr. Malfoy. Draco felt relieved that his dad hadn't even recognized the huge bump on his forehead. 'His blind ass.' "Draco, will you like to have pizza?" asked his father. "No daddy. I have business to attend to tonight." "Oh alright." Says Malfoy. "Bye son and Goyle." 'Why did Drac call his dad, daddy? He must be really out of it.' "Well, I have a candle light dinner to attend to." Says Goyle. "Okay, then do the clique goodbye." "Peace out my niggers!" says Goyle then he leaves. 'That kid is fat and gay! Can't he see dat yo? Wearing tight clothes looking like Opera Winfrey, wearing Janet Jackson's clothes." Says Crabbe. 'He's just hating.'  
  
The Queer Date  
  
Snap pulled up at the door in his car outside of the castle. "Oh, it's a love machine!" squealed Goyle happily. "Yes babe." Said Snap. "So, where are we going?" asked Goyle curiously. "Off campus to the best club ever!" says Snape excited. "What club is that?" "HOT TOPIC!" "What kind of club is that?" "A gay club." "This club will be fun with you and me dancing together." "But I thought we will have a candle light dinner to attend to? I set reservations at Pandora's Box." "Don't worry dear Goyly, let's party hardy!" "Okay!"  
  
A Nightmare in the Shower  
  
"Rain on me, Lord won't you take this pain from me!" sung Harry in the shower loudly. "Harry?" someone whispered. "Is someone there?" "Oh yes, Harry it's ME. Moaning." She appears through the mist of the running water. "You're in the flesh!" says Harry surprised. "Of course, I still am a witch even in death so, I can either use my body or my spirit." "Oh my God! Will you please stop creeping up on me while I'm naked!" shouted Harry. "I do it for a reason, Harry." Said Moaning as she made herself comfortable in the wet and moist stall. (I guess you know what happened after that.)  
  
A Young Man's Diary  
  
"Hey dad." "Hey son." "So, how was your night?" "Just fine son." "Well I'm about to crash, okay dad?" "Goodnight." Draco's journal had P-I-M -P music in the background as he wrote in it.  
10/2/03 Today was crazy. Goyle went on a date with Snape or Snap. They went in the love machine (Snap's car). I guess my dog really is gay. Why me though! I got a heavy over weight eater and a gay bitch for friends, those fat asses. Well anyway, I got hit by Hoemione a hoe! I'm gonna get her ass. You can't hit a pimp! MAN DOWN! PIMP IN DISRESS! Damn her. I know what I need though; I need to get high with my fellow friends. Yep that's what I need, some weed. But my dad keeps calling me Draco! Singing my fucking name. Well got to go.  
Lil Drac  
AKA  
"PIMP"  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The box was hot that night on Saturday. Everyone was there. Drac and the clique with the pimpettes, Hoemione, Harry, Ron, Moaning, and the preps (Destiny and Kioni), had arrived to be apart of a real party. And this is where all the crap happens.  
  
"Look at her! She thinks she's the hottest thing in here. Looking at her makes me puke." Said Destiny with disgust. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Look at Pansy and that ditsy bitch. They're surrounding Draco like a mosh pit." Said Kioni adding in her two bits of hateration with a yeah. Harry and Ron made they're way towards the couch to sit down and before you could blink there she was, Moaning already waiting for Harry. "Bitch what do you want?" asked Harry brutally. "What? I'm just waiting for the man of my dreams that's all. Besides, I am all yours. You saw the real me. If you know what I mean?" said Moaning as she began to squeal a high pitch laugh. "Harry, what is she talking about? What does she mean when she said all yours?" asked Ron slyly. "Um, don't even worry about that lets just enjoy the party away from the couch." Harry grabbed Ron by the arm pulling him towards another part of the room away from Moaning Myrtle and her squealing ass. "Oh Goyly, this is definitely a special night for the both of us, don't you agree?" asked Snap. "Oh yes my dear. This is definitely a place that I'll never forget." Said Goyle happily. (Even though the thought of them together was just scary.) "Crabbe? Look who just walked in? It's the married couple." Said Draco looking in the direction of Goyle and Snape. "Oh I see, I wonder where they spent their honey moon?" said Crabbe while holding an entrée plate in his hand. "You greedy bitch! You ate all the strawberries! Now what I am I gonna use for hand jobs?" said Pansy. "Why don't you use your tongue bitch!" said Trista. "Bitch, I'm not like that! Besides, I'm not the ditsy one." "Well, at least I'm not the dumb blonde." "Bitch, your both!" "Oh yeah, I do have blonde hair." Said Trista foolishly now reminding herself of her hair color. (Typical DUMB BLONDE!) "Girls, girls, don't worry about it. Let's just enjoy the occasion." "Since when did you start talking all proper and stuff?" asked Pansy curiously. 'Damn my father!' "Oh nothin'. That's just a pimp's way of sayin' let's get freaky in dis bitch!" said Draco knowing that his father's proper English was rubbing off on him. 'Damn Hoemione too! For knocking he in the damn head. By the way, where is that bitch?'  
  
Meanwhile in the "I'll eat you out room" Hoemione sat quietly next to one of her Gryffindor victims. "So, what do you want to do now?" asked Hoemione cunningly. "I want to get the fuck out of here!" said the small boy as he snapped a picture with his camera. Hoemione had Colin Creevy chained to one of the beds in the room and put a sock in his mouth. "Are you tortured enough?" asked Hoemione while smiling at the boy tauntingly. "MM. Hmm." "Okay, I'll let you slide this time, but next time, YOU'RE MINE!" said Hoemione forcefully as she pulled the chains off him. Colin crept pass her with fear in his eyes. Then when the coast was clear darted pass everyone and closed the door behind him. He couldn't wait to get the pictures developed. 'Ha ha, that bitch didn't know what was coming!' (Evil in his tone) "Oh Hoemione darling where are you?" yelled Ron like a dumb ass. "Ron will you shut up!" said Harry. "Oh Harry?" said someone from behind. "Ron, didn't I tell you to. Why are you following me?" asked Harry while looking behind him at Moaning. "Oh just trying to tell you not to forget about our little secret that's all." Said Moaning happily. "Bitch, we don't have a secret. Knowing you, you would open your mouth to Hoemione." Said Harry. "That's why I love you dear." Said moaning smiling. "Stop smiling at me and go jump in toilet and lick someone's ass!" Her childish smile was irritating Harry. "Oh and don't you worry about the ass licking. Leave that to me." Said Moaning. Soon someone else arrived at the scene with two girls at his side and one fat kid. "Where's Hoemione?" asked Draco. "What?" "BIM!" "Damn! You knocked her ass out! It never fails, why do think they call him a pimp?" said Crabbe while shaking his head. "Hey what's all the ruckus?" asked Destiny as she entered the room with Kioni following. "Good. Someone finally knocked her sorry ass out." Said Destiny happily as she kicked Hoemione in the ribs. "Sorry, but I just had to do that." Said Destiny smiling. "Damn, who did this?" asked Kioni. "Bitch, who said it, was any of your business?" said Trista getting into her face. "I hope your ditsy ass is not talking to me? You got the right one tonight baby." Said Kioni. "Well, I might as well find my seat, because these bitches are about to fight." Said Draco with amazement. The other boys grabbed some chairs too and sat to watch. 'Typical boys!' "Excuse us boys, but we'll take this in the other room." Said Trista reassuring them to stay where they were. "Bim! Bim! Boom! POW! Ahhhh!" "Damn. What are those bitches doing? They sound like my dad's car!" said Ron being corny as always. "I know Ron, but were not suppose to say anything about it!" said Harry. "Sorry, but it's our fault that the car sounds like that anyway?" Draco and Crabbe started to laugh at the thought of the Weasleys enchanted car, that couldn't fly. "Oh and Harry, because of us, the car refuses to let anyone go near it!" "Ron, shut up!" said Harry embarrassed. Kioni returned looking like she just got done playing with the scissors. "Damn girl! Are you okay?" asked Destiny worried. "Yeah, but." Kioni fell to the ground flat on her face. "Why didn't anyone catch her?" "Hell, who wants to?" said Draco while looking at the other boys. "You guys suck! You know that?" "Well, bitch you can come and suck this dick!" said Draco while smiling. "I hate boys!" said Destiny getting pissed. "Well guys, I guess she's just another rug muncher." Said Draco while laughing. Destiny just left, cause she couldn't take the wise cracks. "That's too bad!" said Harry making it worse. "Hey guys what did we miss?" asked Goyle now entering with Snap at his side. "Do you guys have to do that all the time?" said Harry looking disgusted. Snap and Goyle were holding hands. "Sweetie, we're gay. What do you expect?" said Snap. "Hey, don't call me sweetie! I'm not Goyle!" said Harry. "Sorry, sometimes I get a little too carried away." Said Snap cheerfully. Suddenly, the door to the club opens. "What a surprise! So, this is the club that Hoemione dear was talking about." Said Mr. Malfoy excited. "Oh shit! My dad's here!" said Draco almost ready to hide. "Why are you running? He knows that you're already here." Said Hoemione coming to her senses. "Who said that you could get up?" asked Destiny while looking downward at Hoemione. "I told myself bitch!" said Hoemione with a good come back. Destiny kicked her in her side again and Hoemione fell back towards the floor in pain. "That's what I thought." Said Destiny making sure she was on the floor. "You love to torture people don't you?" asked Hoemione with a scratchy voice. "I don't like to torture people, but I love to torture you!" said Destiny cunningly.  
  
Meanwhile in the next room, Mr. Malfoy made his way through the club. "Where is everybody?" he asked. Soon another person walked through the entrance of the club. It was Hagrid. "Well, Mr. Malfoy, what are you doing here?" asked Hagrid curiously. "Well, um, I'm trying to find my son." Said Mr. Malfoy. "Well, he's probably around here somewhere. This where he hangs out all the time, your son's a pimp." Said Hagrid. "I know, it's hard to say it, but it's true." Said Malfoy while shaking his head. "Hagrid why are you here?" "Oh, I'm the gamekeeper. It's my job to keep the pimp game flowing." Said Hagrid. "Oh GOD! Look at this place! It's a disaster! Good for nothing kids." "Well, I'll be leaving." Said Malfoy trying to turn away, but Hagrid grabbed him. "Where are you going? Your ass is helping!" said Hagrid firmly. "You encountered the club, so you have to deal with it now. We can't have anyone going back to the headmistress about this." Unexpectently, the headmistress stepped through the door with a furious look on her face.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
That very same night, everyone got lectured about using a secret room as a club. "You're off the hook tonight, but tomorrow this secret club of yours will no longer be opened. As for Miss Granger, you will be serving detention with Snape tomorrow. By the way, where is your potion's master?" "I'm here! Oh and it's snap darling get it right!" said Snap with a "I don't give a damn" expression on his face. "Obviously, your teacher has spent too much time with his students. I think he needs a little time out." Said Mcgonagall. "But what about our relationship?" asked Goyle. "Cry me a fucking river dick face!" said Mcgonagall. "But Sweetheart I thought you had Tourette's?" "Oh yeah, mother funker! Chinese checker face! Indian lover!" said Mcgonagall pretending for her fiancé. "Good the fucking night! Peace out bitches! I'll give you suki suki got damnit!" "Poor woman doesn't know what to do with herself." Said Mr. Malfoy shaking his head in shame.  
  
The next day was just as bad. The school term had come to an end. Everyone said his or her good-byes, well at least everyone except for Hagrid and Chang-Woo.  
  
"Hagrid! Cho chi Zuni suki Shi." (You know what we need.) We need to get the Weasleys! I have a plan." "How about you get them your damn self. I can't risk losing my job! If I loose this job its back to Knockturn Alley for me!" "Choi chi qui wan Ja!" "Who cares bitch! That redhead heifer is out of the hospital. It's time to get the children!" "Go jump off a bridge!" "Ahhhh! Bam, Bam, boom!" "Damn, you actually did it! You are stupid." "Stop playing around you fool! This is Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon!" "Hey wasn't that a movie?" "You dumbass!" said Chang-Woo as she kicked Hagrid across the cheek. "Okay, I'll go kidnap the children damn. What? Percy too, what for? Owww! That hurt!" She kicked him again, but in the air this time. "It's a dog! It's a plane! No, it's Hagrid and he's falling! TIMBER! "Shut the fuck up you!" said Hagrid getting pissed already with the wise cracks.  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Moaning Myrtle and the rest of the faculty stayed with the faculty at the school. Draco dates Destiny and the only way that worked out was, because of their similar hate of Hermione. Also, Draco has an album coming out: Slytherin Inc. "The Last Temptation" Trista and Pansy still work for him secretly though. Harry writes books now. Ron and Hermione are together finally! (Ron has a huge smile on his face.) Hermione changed her name back. Her tricking has come to an end. Goyle was never really gay. He had sex with Mrs. Weasley instead of Snape. (Goyle screamed when Draco told him this.) Crabbe joined with Oprah and now runs in the FASC marathon. A marathon for the Fat Americans Simply Cubby. Mr. Malfoy married the headmistress with Tourette's even though her vowels were not said from the heart. Oh and how did Harry get that scar? A little know fact is, Hagrid and Snape raped him as a child. Truthfully, Voldemort didn't have a thing to do with it. Scary isn't it? I know. It scared the shit out of me! By the way, this is Dobby the house-elf whom speaks of these recent events that have taken place since the term ended at Hogwarts School of bad asses and fags. (Fred and George speak finally.) "Doesn't anybody want to know what happened to Hagrid and Chang-Woo? Oh yeah, and our freaking family too. Almost forgot about them.  
  
"Ha, ha, ha!" " You thought that it was just Chang-Woo doing all the work by herself. Well, unfortunately, it was me, Hagrid!" "What, Hagrid how could you do this to us? I thought that you were our friend!" cried Ron. "Bitch shut up! I raped your little friend Harry when he was just a baby. That kid didn't know what was coming. Oh and between me and you, he really "Is" amazing!" said Hagrid while laughing. "Chi Cho Chong thong! Thoia Thoia thong thong!" "Give us the got damn subtitles please! Just one last time for the ending!" said Percy. "Torture them! Kill them! Eat them! Destroy them!" "Lady this is not hell, it's a little ass shack in the woods!" "Hey, it just so happens that it's a hut!" said Hagrid correcting Ron. 'Like that's any better!' "Eat my shorts!" said Ron as he spit into Hagrid big brown eyes. "You little ass wipe! Just wait till I find you!" yelled Hagrid momentarily blinded. "Percy, I think it's time for that suki- suki that you owe her?" said Ron. Chang-Woo walked towards Percy and looked at him hungrily. She climbed into his lap, while sat in a chair that he and Ron both were strapped to. "Percy, where's your maja?" "What?" "Where's your maja got damjit!" "What the fuck is she talking about?" asked Ron in confusion. "She wants to know where your mother is, can't you understand what she's saying?" asked Hagrid with cleared eyes. "The bitch is back!" Mrs. Weasley flew through the door of the hostage room. "Where that Chinese hoe at?" she asked. "I got your kids!" said Chang-Woo. 


End file.
